Flatulence in Relationships
by contributing writer: Jennifer Karen on 3-1-2010

I know this may be a strange topic but one I have always pondered. When is it ok to let cut one loose with a new partner? This question has recently been a thought of mine as I’m leaving the comforts of a marriage and throwing myself back in the dating game. I don’t know why but always in the most inopportune times I get that oh-so-familiar-feeling. Whether it’s the nervousness of a new person, spastic colon mishap, or maybe I just need to refrain from eating anything the day of an impending date. Whatever the case, I must say if the situation is not relieved immediately it can cause disastrous harm to oneself or others. 

         

It’s been awhile since I last dated and I, myself, usually wait until it’s purely accidental before I get comfortable enough to fart in front of a potential mate because of many reasons. A) I’m a chick; that’s just not something we do. We are supposed to be classy, delicate flowers that always put out a pleasant odor. I bust ass. It’s not a cute little toot. I have been known to wake myself up out of a dead sleep confused as to what the fuck made that very loud sound, while my mom’s deaf dog walks out of the room, and my hubby staring at me wide-eyed with fear, awe, and jealousy. Yeah, that’s me. C) I totally giggle. Just like a little kid unable to stop because the sound repeats itself sporadically in my memory.

Well, I had recently started dating this guy, who lives with two other males. When I first heard this I expected the typical bachelor pad: messy, trash, uncoordinated furniture, and lots and lots of beer. Well, fortunately, the only truth to this place is the latter. I was shocked. I stayed as a guest for basically a week—overnight only and home during the day. Of course, spending this much time with someone and participating in lots of extracurricular activities in numerous sexual positions, it’s inevitable one of us is going to cut one.

One night the silence was eventually broken as he was sleeping and I wide awake.  I was not on a typical sleep schedule, so as I stared at him while he slept (doing the whole enamored, “Awww, this is lovely” gaze). He had fell asleep with me in his arms and as I was maneuvering away, he rolls on his side, ass pointed in my very direction and fires. I was like “Oh no, that just did not happen!” Not only was it loud like my own but very pungent. I totally had to stifle a laugh which was great because to do that required holding my breath. Then instead of pondering his cuteness as before, I was pondering should I let it go or should I tell him about it in the morning? I opted to let it go, not wanting to embarrass him or myself.  

       
The second time was the same scenario but the covers puffed out and I quickly tucked in all openings for fear of the oh-so-pungent-smell seeping out. My effort was in vein as the imprisoned odor found itself a small space to escape.  This had me thinking: What does this dude eat?! I began to get worried. Is he trying to scare me away or are these purely unfortunate circumstances? I decided to shrug it off, but fear the day of my own misfortune, which has yet to come. (as far as I’m aware). I do sleep too sometimes.

                

The third time was much different than the others and according to me the funniest I have ever experienced in all of my life. Let me set the scene. I arrive at his place roughly at 3 am, we both unable to sleep and up for some fun. He’s sitting on the couch, and I am on the arm of the couch facing him, just chatting. I was there probably for a good hour before I realize one of his roomies is passed out drunk on the neighboring chaise. He was in Army ACU’s and blended in quite well with the upholstery. I don’t pay much more attention to him other than the first glance accompanied by a small giggle.

           
After a while, my guy decides he wants me to perform a favor for exchange of an answer to a question I had asked him being playful. I asked, “Right here and not in your room?” He replied, “You only live once.” So I conceded to move in front of him and pull down his shorts. I was getting him and me both all hot and in the moment. He was about to climax when out of nowhere the roommate blew ass bubbles. I stopped what I was doing because I knew I was about to giggle which could be tragic for my guy in regards to his goods. He said, “Well, that was precious.”